The Life Of Million Tears Of Pain And Joy

The higher we go the harder we come down. It can be a roller coaster ride at times which can be exhausting. I do my best to not fear the emotions of sadness and anger and the pain of feeling alone. I have lost so much in my addiction and never want to go down that road ever again. It was the worst pain I have ever felt and I knew no way to get out of it. I felt hopeless and powerless to do anything different. I believed in my lies that I was worthless and did not deserve to live. It was very dark and I had so much unresolved grief and trauma that I felt I was in a living hell that had no escape. I couldn’t even escape death many times. I felt like my whole existence was a curse for letting my brother down, my family, and my friends. I drifted like a lost soul becoming an isolated lonely human that had no goals or purpose. I prayed for the release of my life but only found more pain and dilemma of guilt and shame. I am grateful today that God helped me wake up from the nightmare that I was creating for myself. The physical torment I put myself through was to distract me from all the emotional pain of losing my little brother Steve. No amount of physical pain made me forget about the despairing sadness I felt in my heart. I was pulled by the nose by a cosmic power that was watching out for me. I was never really alone I was just lost in my self-created bondage and that shame had hidden the key to my freedom. Sometimes I get a flash of some of those painful days and I feel so much gratitude that those days are over. These terrible memories remind me of how wonderful this life I have now is. When it gets hard I remember back it helps me remind me it’s not that bad. My life has awakened to this new journey to help others and create more love in the world and I am eternally grateful for this second chance at a first-class life.

©Art Gaia Frazee  6/2/2024 9:09 Pm